But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We left the knife in your bed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
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I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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