So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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