If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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