You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
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Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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