So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
