Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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