i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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