Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
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Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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