I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
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Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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