Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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