If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sarcasm needs its own font
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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