Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
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I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
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I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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