i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize