A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
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How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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