I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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