Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
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I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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