What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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