this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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