Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
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Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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