Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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