Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
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I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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