Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
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I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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