Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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