I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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