my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
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It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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