I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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