i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
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and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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