Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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