so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
PANTIES FOUND
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