also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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