Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
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He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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