i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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