These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
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I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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