she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
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He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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