i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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