Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
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I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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