Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize