i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
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I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
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