my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
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While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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