i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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