My nipple is on Facebook.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
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Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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