So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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