i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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