i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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