if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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