Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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