I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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