i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
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I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Please don't give away my fajitas
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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