I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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