i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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